For the first time in more years than I care to remember, I feel as though I will be able to stop taking anti-depressants. I am very happy that I’m able to consider it an option now; it was only a matter of weeks ago that I was thinking I would probably have to stay on them for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, if it that is what it takes to keep me going each day, then I will stay on them until the end of my days. Of course, I will do so under my doctor’s supervision as I know the risks of stopping suddenly. What triggered this new way of thinking? Let’s call it an epiphany.
I am currently on holiday in beautiful Nepal and one of my favourite sounds is of Monks chanting. It is a wonderful sound which fills my heart with joy. Well, for several hours, I had the first lines of one song playing over and over in my head. It didn’t matter if I played a CD of monks chanting or listened to my favourite song on You Tube, this song would NOT go away. This was a song that I related to some people I had once been very close to. Sadly, a rift formed between us a couple of years ago. The reasons why don’t matter any longer. What was bothering me most was the way I handled the entire situation. Whether I was in the right or completely wrong became inconsequential, to me anyways.
I was in a very dark place at the time this all happened; depression took over my ability to think rationally. Depression can be a nasty little sucker, it has the power to make you believe some of the awful thoughts and ideas running around in your head. I have worked hard on healing myself and I’m finally able to look at the entire situation from a place of love. It has been a tough road to get here…. I first had to learn to love myself and all the bits that make me who I am. I had to learn how to let go of all the pain from my past which was the evil beast causing my depression. I also had to learn that people should accept and even embrace each other’s differences. I have never thought of myself as a bad person. I have realized though, that you can acknowledge yourself as a good person but not actually love yourself. It is so much easier to love oneself after you search deep within, heal yourself and let go of the pain from the past, which is exactly what I have spent the last couple of years doing.
When people don’t respond to something the way we feel they should, we often react badly. When suffering from depression, it can be even more difficult to look at what is going on around you objectively. I looked back on this situation and series of events and realized it didn’t matter who or what caused any of this. My epiphany was realizing that I had not acted from a place of love. Not for myself, and not for these people I cared about deeply.
I knew it was far too late to go back to the way things were, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t apologize for the part I played in this “break-up”. As soon as I started penning my apology, the song stopped playing on repeat in my head; I could remember words to other songs. Hallelujah! Yes… after typing Hallelujah, that song started playing in my head. Yours too??? I don’t expect to receive a response but I truly hope that my apology will help these people move forward with a little more peace in their hearts. They may or may not forgive me, the choice is theirs. Importantly for me, I feel at peace with myself for offering the apology and I have forgiven all parties involved, including myself.
If somebody does something that upsets you, be willing to forgive them. Offering forgiveness will bring peace into your own heart. Also be willing to have an honest look at how you responded to their actions or words. Regardless of who is “to blame” for the situation, it is important to respond from a place of love. Knowing you have apologized for the way you responded will also help to bring peace into your heart.
My vision is clearer now than it has been for a very long time, so much clearer since writing my apology. I’m looking forward to the road ahead of me; a road I hope will allow me to help others on their journey with peace in their hearts.
* Image was taken as we were leaving the Jungle in Nepal (much later than we were meant to). I believe the Angels were very close by that day.