I’m not okay, but I will be

Someone asked me - “R U OK?” today and I lied. My immediate response was to assure this person I was okay, and as soon as I had responded, I felt like smacking myself because I did, I lied. What I should have said is, “No, I’m not okay. But I will be”. Without going into too much detail, I can honestly say that the last few weeks for me have been pretty friggin shit. I found myself in my bedroom crying yesterday with my hands up in the air saying to myself, “Nope. No more. I can’t do this”. It’s not like I don’t have anyone to turn to for support - I do. And it’s not like my entire life has been shit over the last few weeks - it hasn’t. I have three amazing children who are my world, I love the work I do and my business is thriving. I have an incredible support network in family and friends. But sometimes (I know I’m not alone here), things just get too much when anything and everything seems to come at you all at once. And then of course, just when you think there couldn’t possibly be anything more to deal with, that’s when all the other unresolved crap from the past comes creeping up, just to make things even more interesting. It’s exhausting just writing about it. I’m sure you know what I mean. I’ve found myself being aware of feelings that scared the shit out of me - recognising that all too familiar feeling of potentially spiralling back into depression. Thankfully though, the fact that I’m aware of this means that I know when it’s time to do something about it, rather than letting it fester and get to the point where it’s much, much harder to get out of. So yes, the last few weeks have been pretty crappy, and I’m still working through some yucky stuff that I’d rather not have to deal with. I don’t know why my first response to someone asking if I was okay was to say that I was, because I’m really not. I do know that I will be, but that’s not the point. When someone asks, “Are you okay?” why can’t we just be honest? Is it because we’re scared of seeming weak? Like we don’t have our shit together? Who does? And aren’t we then denying people who love us the opportunity to help in whatever way they can? Geez, my whole business and what I’m most passionate about is helping people. If I wasn’t able to do that, I’d be lost. And now I realise that what I’d done by lying in my response was denying someone else the opportunity to help me. Ironic, isn’t it? The point of me sharing this is to number one, apologise to anyone who I’ve lied to, who has asked me if I’m okay in the last few weeks. And two, to remind everyone that it’s okay not to be. That doesn’t mean that you won’t be okay - just like I know that I will be. It just means being able to say that right now, you’re not. So here’s me being completely honest and vulnerable right now in saying it again. No, I’m not okay right now. But I will be. If this means that one person reading this has the courage now to do the same as I’ve just done, then I’m glad I shared this.

Christie Welsh