Courageous. Strong. Powerful. Brave. These are all words that are not sitting very well with me at all right now. They’re terms that are used fairly frequently at the moment, and we’re constantly being encouraged to embrace these parts of ourselves. This is absolutely fine if it’s balanced, but there seems to be more of a focus on adopting power than anything else, and I don’t think that’s fair (or healthy for that matter).
Lately, every time I see terms such as, “Be courageous”, “Own your power”, or any sentence that includes the words bravery, power, or slaying something or other, I find myself cringing. Enough with the powerful shit already! Why do I need to constantly be some kind of superwoman who keeps her shit together 24/7 anyway?!
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had to be the strong/courageous/brave/powerful one. I’ve had to be the only strong one as a parent (both when I was married and now, as a single Mumma), and recently, I have realised that I have always been the emotionally and mentally ‘strong one’ in my relationships too. Even during times where I didn’t want to have to be strong, and all I wanted to do was fall apart, I found myself time and time again forced into that role - whether I liked it or not. It’s any wonder I’m friggin exhausted and sick and tired of hearing, “Oh, you’re so brave”, “I wish I had your strength”, “Embrace that inner power”...
Fuck my power. I don’t want it anymore. What I want right now is a break from it.
I know I’m strong, I know I’ve been courageous, brave, and all that shit for a long time. When people say, “own it”, of course I friggin own it. I’ve lived it, haven’t I? For many, many years. I couldn’t ‘own it’ any more if I tried.
For once, I don’t want to have to be the strong one all of the time. I want to feel safe enough to fall apart every now and then. I want to be able to be the weaker one - just for a little while. I want to be the one who is being supported and nurtured.
Right now, I don’t need any more power. I don’t want to be strong or courageous or brave. What I need is to be able to be what I haven’t felt safe enough to be for a very long time.